Hi. It's just me, Jan. Some of you know me as MamaJan. Again, just me. About the title of the blog... It's a play on the old Lilly Tomlin movie, "The Incredible Shrinking Woman". I, in no way find myself incredible in any out of the ordinary way, it's just that what I am about to go through is incredible to me.
See, I've always been considered big. At least in my family where everyone was normal sized or thin. I can remember my Mother telling me in the Sears dressing room that she was going to have to buy me the Husky sized clothes. I had to be 3 or 4 years old. And so a self image was born... and years of struggling with my weight, what I ate, how much I ate and how I viewed myself - as well as others saw me.
I'm not type to be down on myself. After trying every diet on earth, running and exercising in college into double knee surgery, taking crazy over the counter medications that made my heart pound out of my chest and then prescription medications that ... well, I will spare you what they did to me, but it was awful, I had been really OK with me, the way I looked and the way I lived. Until after the birth of my second child, and suddenly everything got harder and the pounds just kept coming. Day by day, I found that the little things I wanted to do got harder and harder. The aches and pains were sharper, deeper and I couldn't run and play with the kids as well as I wanted. I could no long fit on the slide at the playground.
Even then, I just tried harder. Exercised more, watched what I ate more, tried to eat less. Nothing worked. Then one day I went to the store to buy a new shirt, and I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize what I saw. Who was that person? It wasn't me. This wasn't the person I was. I felt so strange, like I was wearing a costume that I couldn't get out of. That was the end for me. I had hit my bottom, so to say.
I began to research lap band surgery and then I reached out to Dr. Washington in Freehold, who held seminars and was respected in his field. I called, they sent me 40 pages of psychological and health related questions via fax. I sat at my desk and asked myself, "Am I ready to answer all these questions about my weight?" I started. And then I stopped. It was hard. Not only to admit to what I had become but to also sort of say it out loud for others to see/hear. I started to question, was this right for me? Why should I be the one, when there are millions of others who don't go this route. So on and so forth... in a word, procrastination. After about a month of said procrastination, I finished nursing my son for good, got my body back and decided it was time to really get my body back. To lose this costume that I hate so much. To give my sons the biggest gift I could. Me.
So here I am... waiting for the phone to ring. After many doctors appointments and tests, a stomach scoping and paperwork, last Friday I was told my insurance has approved my lap band surgery. Today they call me to schedule. I can't wait to start phase two. Surgery prep.
I in no way believe this is going to be an easy road. I know it's going to be hard, painful and there are going to be many surprises along the way. I hope you will join me and perhaps hold my hand. As today is the first entry and the first day perhaps to becoming the incredible shrinking Jan.
